Bury This Requiem(Lyrics, *NEED/WOULD LIKE INPUT*)

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Bury This Requiem(Lyrics, *NEED/WOULD LIKE INPUT*)

Post by xXLightxDarkXx on Mon Mar 08, 2010 1:11 am

[Verse 1]
Like what you see?
Keep staring on and on
While I throw myself to sea
My fate falling and gone

[Pre-Chorus]
I'm suffocating within the warmth
And lost before I find that home
*Inhale and exhale*

[Chorus]
There's only one rule on this field
Unleash the madness and behold
Hatred that destroys secrets unveiled
Forever bury this requiem untold

[Verse 2]
Plunge into silence and darkness
Our forces are armed with hatred
Charging the enemy's fortress
Watch them collapse and rain red

[Chorus]
There's only one rule on this field
Unleash the madness and behold
Hatred that destroys secrets unveiled
Forever bury this requiem untold

[Bridge]
Pick up the pieces(tell of their lives)
Blood rolls and freezes
Pick up the pieces(see their demise)
He seizes
The moment it dies

[Enter epic guitar solo]

[Pre-Chorus 2]
I'm suffocating from the cold
And lost when I have found that home
Listen as the sound shatters
Colors fading to chrome

[Chorus 2x]
There's only one rule on this field
Unleash the madness and behold
Hatred that destroys secrets unveiled
Forever bury this requiem untold

[Outro 4x, fade out]
Don't think...
Go...
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Re: Bury This Requiem(Lyrics, *NEED/WOULD LIKE INPUT*)

Post by Kengen on Mon Mar 08, 2010 11:53 am

Only one thing i have to say.....u are conforming to the simplest style of song writing there is. Try to make your own pattern in the verses. This is all very basic and simplified. You want to really wow people, try rhyming things that you dont normal see rhymed and put your verses together in interesting ways.
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Re: Bury This Requiem(Lyrics, *NEED/WOULD LIKE INPUT*)

Post by xXLightxDarkXx on Mon Mar 08, 2010 6:17 pm

lol

This is my first attempt at writing a complete song(with full band/vocals and everything), so do expect the simplest of things; also, this was spit up within 10 minutes flat, not the hours I would usually spend editing and reediting my works. Thanks for the advice, I'll definitely keep that in mind, since you've mentioned it before.

The one thing I really wanted opinion on was the lyrics, the words themselves; did they convey a powerful motive and picture, thought, point that you could understand? I know you've mentioned about the end rhyme; the other musician I'm working with wanted me to revise one particular off rhyme to make it more...well, rhyme better. Were the lyrics good, or should I reedit this one and try again? Can you understand the story I'm trying to tell?

Thanks in advance for feedback.
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Re: Bury This Requiem(Lyrics, *NEED/WOULD LIKE INPUT*)

Post by Kengen on Wed Mar 10, 2010 3:25 pm

All in the song is not bad. I get its about strugle, but not quite entirly clear as to what kind of strugle. Im guessing mentally, inside ones own mind. Id say you excelled best with the bridge, and most often times the bridge is the best part in my eyes and Im glad to see that you nailed it. Like I said previously though, because you specifically asked about rhyme scheme, you need to expand your thought on words that rhyme, from what I see it is solely the same basic ending, and to put these words together are easy and predictible in the listeners mind. Again there is nothing wrong with that, but it doesnt pop. For example.

Shes the blue dove
The black Flamingo
Every thing in her voice, makes my finger tips tingle
A Yearning
Worth Concerning
The bird flys away
And as she leaves she sings
Goodbye to yesterday

The key lines to pay attention to in this one are the first three. Flamingo and Tingle. Two completely different words. Now said normally they do not rhyme, but when sung in a distinct tune and manner, they can be made to sound as though they do, and that is the best way to get a musical feel from the lyrics themselves. Doing so sends the mind off its normal path when it hears those and it has to reevaluate what it is hearing. Thats what a truly great song is supposed to do. When it goes beyond the norm it wows the mind. Its completely scientific, and thats how lyric writing truly is an art. Anyone can throw down a few lines that rhyme such as with what you did (not downplaying the song), but it takes real dedication and an in the moment act to take it above and beyond.

I do like how your keeping it abstract, but abstract does get to a point to where its to much. Now unless its coupled with some trippy music, like radiohead or sumthing, you need to keep a bit of the realism in there as well to make the lyrics good. Only keep it abstract if the band focuses more on their music then the lyrics of the song. Mixing abstrac wordings weaved into a realistic idea, can make the story much easier to read, while also creating that much sought after artsy imagery in the mind of the listener. Try to keep from using cliches unless you can twist them just right. Cliches are difficult to use in that they can totally make that verse, or it can make it rather boring and again, predictable.

Here is my way of mixing realism and abstract.

With bowed head I think
About which path to choose
My will will decide
If i win or I lose
A rustle of wings
a familiar voice
tells me the story
of the wrong choice

This was before I got into mixing up the random word rhymes that people dont expect, but I think it displays a great deal of realism and at the same time abstractness. Its quite plain the person is running a decision in their head when "rustle of wings" comes along which hints to a bird telling the story form a familiar voice, pointing to someone I would know. The verse following that after a break from the chorus is

The notch on his iwng
The throb and the ache
A deadly mix of
Snow white and golden gate

Thats the first half of the verse in question, i left the other parts out cuz im not overly happy with them. Anyway. This shows a notch on his wing, a scar. Throb and the ache. Pain. the last two verses are abstract ways of saying coke and heroin. Clearly the story of the song is about trying to leave the drugs behind but going through a mental war to bring himself to do so and learning from the "bird" or the person the song is talking about knows, to make that decision.

I find that using examples works best when explaining, thats why I provided them. I hope they help.
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Re: Bury This Requiem(Lyrics, *NEED/WOULD LIKE INPUT*)

Post by xXLightxDarkXx on Wed Mar 10, 2010 7:44 pm

Wow *claps* Dude, this was way more than I expected, and I truly thank you; I'm about to post another one, to which I'm starting to like(I'm writing it as I'm replying).

The story is about a soldier in battle; you're right about the inner conflict. He's trying to find out the moral in killing strangers, yet he's fighting for his "home" or his brother in arms. The battlefield becomes his only comfort once he's "plunged into silence and darkness"; receiving commands and blocking out emotions. In the end, all he can do is just go and not think. He only needs to think of his gun, or "hatred" in this case, and know that he's sealing up the fates of his enemies, or the "secrets unveiled". The "requiem untold" is his story, the true story of his struggle, in which it "fades to chrome", or freezes in the past. "Lost when I have found that home"; purpose beginning to slip as he sees his brothers(in arms) die. And from this, I'm pretty sure you can figure out the rest; I love being abstract cuz it makes you think XDD

My next one is also abstract, but if you look closer, you'll be able to see what I'm telling of.
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Re: Bury This Requiem(Lyrics, *NEED/WOULD LIKE INPUT*)

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